Love 2 for 1

Hello Cavenders! Yes its been a long time since i last threw some pseudo-wisdom into the world and i apologize from the bottom of my heart. Nonetheless, i have some very interesting things to say this week, so here we go...

I've recently spoken to a long time girlfriend of mine and she told me the following: she loves two men. I am one of the people who believed that you could only ever love one person at a time. Notice i used the past tense; what my friend said made me think...

She has a boyfriend she loves very much- someone who makes her feel safe and secure and they have been together for a really long time and they are happy. Yet at the same time, she met someone at a function and they talk and get along very well. There is nothing physical going on but he makes her feel alive, vibrant and insanely good about herself. At first, she told me, she tried to fight it because she felt it was wrong, because of what society tells us about monogamy etc. Yet there came a point when she could no longer pretend that there wasnt something between them. She has not gotten physical with this man but they talk a lot and he compliments her constantly.

Many of you will be screaming "cheater" right now but i dont think its that easy. When you have been seeing someone for over four years, the "zazazoo" is gone. It gets replaced by the deep feeling of love and appreciation for one another. Nonetheless, that excitement of the first few months is gone- its all natural. If you find someone who gives you that fire back, without it getting physical between you two, it can only benefit you and in turn your relationship. Im not trying to give you free passes for cheating on your other half but maybe the idea of monogamy is outdated. Maybe we need more than one love in our lives in order to feel complete.

My friend has not told her boyfriend about the other man, because, in her words, "there is nothing to tell". She wont let it get physical and what is happening between them is so platonic that, by telling her man, she fears she'll damage his ego and spark fights. She loves him dearly and deeply and when this whole story stared she was devestated. She felt like she was being the worst girlfriend in the world. After weeks of forcing herself to forget man nr. 2 she was hit with the realisation that this was, for the time being, impossible. So she accepted it and made do with the situation by adjusting to it. By accepting the situation and adapting to it, she could deal with her feelings and move on with her life.

When it comes to love and relationships, you need to go with what feels best for you. If it feels right to love two men, without hurting yourself or the other person in your relationship, go for it. Love is supposed to be comfortable- no matter how many people it may involve.

Beauty Queen?

I've recently begun reading a abulous book from the much dreaded and avoided "Self Help" Aisle in Barnes and Noble: "Beautiful You" by Rosie Molinary. Its a book that allows you, in 365 steps, to aquire more self-esteem and to love you the way you are. Yes dear readers, i have issues too. :)

In any case, she proposed the following task: Write down what you feel makes a perosn beautiful. I did. You want to know what i wrote? "Confidence, a great smile, laughter, grace, warmth, " Notice how all of these things have nothing to do with the way that someone looks? With the way that their body lookr or the way that they dress? This got me thinking about something else: If we percieve beauty to be about interior things, then why do we bother to turn ourselves into the person we feel we should LOOK like?

I was into a guy once that loved it when i straightened my naturally curly and unruly hair. Previosuly, i used to straighten my hair on occasion i.e. a night out on the town or Christmas, but now i found myself doing it ALL THE TIME when i felt like i had the chance of bumping into him. Im a high-heels girl- i feel like im short so i try to wear my "stilts" as often as i can. When my crush said that he loved me in Ballerinas- guess what i did? Yep, i wore ballerinas 24/7. I turned myself from the person i was into the person i hoped he'd find attractive. I changed the wasy i look to please a man. I still cringe while writing this.

A few weeks passed and i discovered that the guy wasnt who i hoped he would be. SO guess what i did? I took great care at making my hair as curly as possible and i wore the HIGHEST shoes i owned everytime i would risk being around him. It was my way of demonstrating that i no longer cared about him. This is behaviour that is apparently very common behaviour amongst us humans- males and females alike.

HOWEVER, when we define beauty we define it with interor values such as confidence, charm or great sense of humour. Why is it that we leave aside all that we feel beautiful only to occupy ourselves with exterrior things such as hair and outfits? At the end of the day, all we really want to do is please the person we are into. Thus, we throw overboard all our instincts and better judgements and we turn ourselves into the person we hope they find attractive. Heres the thing: chances are high that they too find people beautiful because they are graceful and confident and less because we wear all stars and slacks.

No matter who the person may be, if they dont find you beautiful because of who you are, they suck. So stop trying to please the other person by turning yourself into someone you're not and embrace what YOU feel is beautiful. Because thats what you are: Beautiful. In every single way possible!!