Ive recently begun to think about the way that negative things affect my life. When i am in situations which make me feel small and unimportant, i put on my armour and i battle it out. Right then and there. I pull down the viser and off we go.
What makes me think, however, is what comes after. What comes once the direct confrontation is over and we lie in our bed and contemplate the events of the day?
Im someone who refelcts on things long after they have passed. I can spend hours contemplating the events of the days past and whenever a moment passes which made me feel bad about i cringe. I get this terrible feeling in my gut that grips me and wont let me go. I then need to go out and run for an hour- i literally need to run away from the feelings i have.
When we overhtink the past, we tend to add things to make it worse. We add emotions, moods and visions into the past that really werent there to begin with. When we relive these moments, we falsify them. Often, this is to our complete disadvantage- Whenever i remind myself of some situations, i have to cry out "OMG im SUCH a fool" or "How stupid am I??". We condescend ourselves and make us feel even worse.
In recent times, i've learnt something. If i keep these feelings inside and run away from them, they will follow me. They wont be 100% present, but they will sit there- waiting patiently until I no longer think of them and then they will crawl up on me and eat me. And they will continue to do so until i tell them to stop! So, ive begun to cry. Yes, im a grown woman and I cry. I cry when the feelings overwhelm me and i hve no place left to go because they follow me. Funny thing is, once ive cried, the feelings go. They find some other place to stay- maybe Maui, who knows?
Ultimately, we cannot run away from our feelings of insecurity and self-loathing- we can only make them worse. So: face them, fight them and then cry. Cry it out loud.
Mittwoch, 29. Juni 2011
Donnerstag, 5. Mai 2011
The Zone
When you're far away from home, your perspective shifts. You're removed from your life and placed in a surrounding of silence- there is no more movement, there is but silence and calm. Its in these moments that i manage to reflect best on my life and the path i've walked.
In these "zero moments" which i find define my life the most. It is in these moments that i see clearly through the fog and the numbness of everyday life. Its these moments thatb define who i will be.
When we're far away from our usual 24/7 lives, we change. We find new starting points, new corners to grab hold onto...a new outlook. When we leave the sheleterd womb of our home, we are able to spread our wings and fly.
Why? how?
When we are in our ususal environment, we are stuck in a rut. There is no reason to evolve, to change or to adapt because everything is working as it always has. When we are forced to leave that comfort, when we have to let go of what was comfortable and safe. Letting go is always difficult, but at the end its what makes us strong.
Recently, i've let go of a person who made me feel i was unimportant and small. I had to step out of my comfort zone, i stumbled a couple of times but ultimately i am now a better person because of it.
Whats funny is that once you let go of all the things in your life that make you feel small and unimportnat you re-attach yourself to your value.
Find you value by getting out of the zone!!
In these "zero moments" which i find define my life the most. It is in these moments that i see clearly through the fog and the numbness of everyday life. Its these moments thatb define who i will be.
When we're far away from our usual 24/7 lives, we change. We find new starting points, new corners to grab hold onto...a new outlook. When we leave the sheleterd womb of our home, we are able to spread our wings and fly.
Why? how?
When we are in our ususal environment, we are stuck in a rut. There is no reason to evolve, to change or to adapt because everything is working as it always has. When we are forced to leave that comfort, when we have to let go of what was comfortable and safe. Letting go is always difficult, but at the end its what makes us strong.
Recently, i've let go of a person who made me feel i was unimportant and small. I had to step out of my comfort zone, i stumbled a couple of times but ultimately i am now a better person because of it.
Whats funny is that once you let go of all the things in your life that make you feel small and unimportnat you re-attach yourself to your value.
Find you value by getting out of the zone!!
Mittwoch, 13. April 2011
How to save my life
Yesterday, i told the person i love how i felt about him. I told him straight out what i felt and that i wanted to be with him. You know what his answer was? "I dont think so". Right out. To my face. "I dont think so". Of course this episode brought me back to the feeling of humiliation i've been experiencing for the past 5 years. I thought i had gotten stronger, that things like these would no longer affect me, but i realize now that i was wrong.
How do you come back from something like that? How do you put yourself back together after such an apocalypse?
When we tell people how we feel about them, we ultimately make ourselves vulnerable. We feel naked infront of the person, we feel like there is no way things will ever be ok again. And right now thats the way i feel. I feel like my life will never be ok; that i will never ever be able to be happy again. Why?
The answer "I dont think so" broke me. It broke me into pieces and spat me back out in a milion pieces. I was sure of myself for a bit, i thought i could conquer the world and make it mine. With his negative answer he broke all of that. He made me feel small and insignificant again. He gave me the feeling that i wasnt enough, that i wasnt good enough for him.
It never ceases to make me wonder how other people manage to have such an effect on us. Other people can make and break us. All in one day, in one motion and in one sentence. Shouldnt we be happy or unhappy with ourselves because of what WE do and not because of others?
The more i think about my situation the more i realize something: It's not about me. There can be a milion reasons why "He doesnt think so". Maybe he's gay, maybe hes not ready, maybe hes not into relationships, maybe hes married... after all its not about me personally but about the situation. Its not us. Its circumstance.
At the end of it all, there is no medication for the pain. There is no way we can save ourselves from the trouble all we can do is hope to survive. We need to realize that rejection isnt about ourselves but about everything around us. People may be able to break us but WE can put ourselves back together! Dont let others hurt you and make you feel small because you are amazing in every single way.
The good thing with pain is that it always ends up going away!
How do you come back from something like that? How do you put yourself back together after such an apocalypse?
When we tell people how we feel about them, we ultimately make ourselves vulnerable. We feel naked infront of the person, we feel like there is no way things will ever be ok again. And right now thats the way i feel. I feel like my life will never be ok; that i will never ever be able to be happy again. Why?
The answer "I dont think so" broke me. It broke me into pieces and spat me back out in a milion pieces. I was sure of myself for a bit, i thought i could conquer the world and make it mine. With his negative answer he broke all of that. He made me feel small and insignificant again. He gave me the feeling that i wasnt enough, that i wasnt good enough for him.
It never ceases to make me wonder how other people manage to have such an effect on us. Other people can make and break us. All in one day, in one motion and in one sentence. Shouldnt we be happy or unhappy with ourselves because of what WE do and not because of others?
The more i think about my situation the more i realize something: It's not about me. There can be a milion reasons why "He doesnt think so". Maybe he's gay, maybe hes not ready, maybe hes not into relationships, maybe hes married... after all its not about me personally but about the situation. Its not us. Its circumstance.
At the end of it all, there is no medication for the pain. There is no way we can save ourselves from the trouble all we can do is hope to survive. We need to realize that rejection isnt about ourselves but about everything around us. People may be able to break us but WE can put ourselves back together! Dont let others hurt you and make you feel small because you are amazing in every single way.
The good thing with pain is that it always ends up going away!
Montag, 31. Januar 2011
Love 2 for 1
Hello Cavenders! Yes its been a long time since i last threw some pseudo-wisdom into the world and i apologize from the bottom of my heart. Nonetheless, i have some very interesting things to say this week, so here we go...
I've recently spoken to a long time girlfriend of mine and she told me the following: she loves two men. I am one of the people who believed that you could only ever love one person at a time. Notice i used the past tense; what my friend said made me think...
She has a boyfriend she loves very much- someone who makes her feel safe and secure and they have been together for a really long time and they are happy. Yet at the same time, she met someone at a function and they talk and get along very well. There is nothing physical going on but he makes her feel alive, vibrant and insanely good about herself. At first, she told me, she tried to fight it because she felt it was wrong, because of what society tells us about monogamy etc. Yet there came a point when she could no longer pretend that there wasnt something between them. She has not gotten physical with this man but they talk a lot and he compliments her constantly.
Many of you will be screaming "cheater" right now but i dont think its that easy. When you have been seeing someone for over four years, the "zazazoo" is gone. It gets replaced by the deep feeling of love and appreciation for one another. Nonetheless, that excitement of the first few months is gone- its all natural. If you find someone who gives you that fire back, without it getting physical between you two, it can only benefit you and in turn your relationship. Im not trying to give you free passes for cheating on your other half but maybe the idea of monogamy is outdated. Maybe we need more than one love in our lives in order to feel complete.
My friend has not told her boyfriend about the other man, because, in her words, "there is nothing to tell". She wont let it get physical and what is happening between them is so platonic that, by telling her man, she fears she'll damage his ego and spark fights. She loves him dearly and deeply and when this whole story stared she was devestated. She felt like she was being the worst girlfriend in the world. After weeks of forcing herself to forget man nr. 2 she was hit with the realisation that this was, for the time being, impossible. So she accepted it and made do with the situation by adjusting to it. By accepting the situation and adapting to it, she could deal with her feelings and move on with her life.
When it comes to love and relationships, you need to go with what feels best for you. If it feels right to love two men, without hurting yourself or the other person in your relationship, go for it. Love is supposed to be comfortable- no matter how many people it may involve.
Donnerstag, 6. Januar 2011
Beauty Queen?
I've recently begun reading a abulous book from the much dreaded and avoided "Self Help" Aisle in Barnes and Noble: "Beautiful You" by Rosie Molinary. Its a book that allows you, in 365 steps, to aquire more self-esteem and to love you the way you are. Yes dear readers, i have issues too. :)
In any case, she proposed the following task: Write down what you feel makes a perosn beautiful. I did. You want to know what i wrote? "Confidence, a great smile, laughter, grace, warmth, " Notice how all of these things have nothing to do with the way that someone looks? With the way that their body lookr or the way that they dress? This got me thinking about something else: If we percieve beauty to be about interior things, then why do we bother to turn ourselves into the person we feel we should LOOK like?
I was into a guy once that loved it when i straightened my naturally curly and unruly hair. Previosuly, i used to straighten my hair on occasion i.e. a night out on the town or Christmas, but now i found myself doing it ALL THE TIME when i felt like i had the chance of bumping into him. Im a high-heels girl- i feel like im short so i try to wear my "stilts" as often as i can. When my crush said that he loved me in Ballerinas- guess what i did? Yep, i wore ballerinas 24/7. I turned myself from the person i was into the person i hoped he'd find attractive. I changed the wasy i look to please a man. I still cringe while writing this.
A few weeks passed and i discovered that the guy wasnt who i hoped he would be. SO guess what i did? I took great care at making my hair as curly as possible and i wore the HIGHEST shoes i owned everytime i would risk being around him. It was my way of demonstrating that i no longer cared about him. This is behaviour that is apparently very common behaviour amongst us humans- males and females alike.
HOWEVER, when we define beauty we define it with interor values such as confidence, charm or great sense of humour. Why is it that we leave aside all that we feel beautiful only to occupy ourselves with exterrior things such as hair and outfits? At the end of the day, all we really want to do is please the person we are into. Thus, we throw overboard all our instincts and better judgements and we turn ourselves into the person we hope they find attractive. Heres the thing: chances are high that they too find people beautiful because they are graceful and confident and less because we wear all stars and slacks.
No matter who the person may be, if they dont find you beautiful because of who you are, they suck. So stop trying to please the other person by turning yourself into someone you're not and embrace what YOU feel is beautiful. Because thats what you are: Beautiful. In every single way possible!!
In any case, she proposed the following task: Write down what you feel makes a perosn beautiful. I did. You want to know what i wrote? "Confidence, a great smile, laughter, grace, warmth, " Notice how all of these things have nothing to do with the way that someone looks? With the way that their body lookr or the way that they dress? This got me thinking about something else: If we percieve beauty to be about interior things, then why do we bother to turn ourselves into the person we feel we should LOOK like?
I was into a guy once that loved it when i straightened my naturally curly and unruly hair. Previosuly, i used to straighten my hair on occasion i.e. a night out on the town or Christmas, but now i found myself doing it ALL THE TIME when i felt like i had the chance of bumping into him. Im a high-heels girl- i feel like im short so i try to wear my "stilts" as often as i can. When my crush said that he loved me in Ballerinas- guess what i did? Yep, i wore ballerinas 24/7. I turned myself from the person i was into the person i hoped he'd find attractive. I changed the wasy i look to please a man. I still cringe while writing this.
A few weeks passed and i discovered that the guy wasnt who i hoped he would be. SO guess what i did? I took great care at making my hair as curly as possible and i wore the HIGHEST shoes i owned everytime i would risk being around him. It was my way of demonstrating that i no longer cared about him. This is behaviour that is apparently very common behaviour amongst us humans- males and females alike.
HOWEVER, when we define beauty we define it with interor values such as confidence, charm or great sense of humour. Why is it that we leave aside all that we feel beautiful only to occupy ourselves with exterrior things such as hair and outfits? At the end of the day, all we really want to do is please the person we are into. Thus, we throw overboard all our instincts and better judgements and we turn ourselves into the person we hope they find attractive. Heres the thing: chances are high that they too find people beautiful because they are graceful and confident and less because we wear all stars and slacks.
No matter who the person may be, if they dont find you beautiful because of who you are, they suck. So stop trying to please the other person by turning yourself into someone you're not and embrace what YOU feel is beautiful. Because thats what you are: Beautiful. In every single way possible!!
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