How to save my life

Yesterday, i told the person i love how i felt about him. I told him straight out what i felt and that i wanted to be with him. You know what his answer was? "I dont think so". Right out. To my face. "I dont think so". Of course this episode brought me back to the feeling of humiliation i've been experiencing for the past 5 years. I thought i had gotten stronger, that things like these would no longer affect me, but i realize now that i was wrong.

How do you come back from something like that? How do you put yourself back together after such an apocalypse?

When we tell people how we feel about them, we ultimately make ourselves vulnerable. We feel naked infront of the person, we feel like there is no way things will ever be ok again. And right now thats the way i feel. I feel like my life will never be ok; that i will never ever be able to be happy again. Why?

The answer "I dont think so" broke me. It broke me into pieces and spat me back out in a milion pieces. I was sure of myself for a bit, i thought i could conquer the world and make it mine. With his negative answer he broke all of that. He made me feel small and insignificant again. He gave me the feeling that i wasnt enough, that i wasnt good enough for him.

It never ceases to make me wonder how other people manage to have such an effect on us. Other people can make and break us. All in one day, in one motion and in one sentence. Shouldnt we be happy or unhappy with ourselves because of what WE do and not because of others?

The more i think about my situation the more i realize something: It's not about me. There can be a milion reasons why "He doesnt think so". Maybe he's gay, maybe hes not ready, maybe hes not into relationships, maybe hes married... after all its not about me personally but about the situation. Its not us. Its circumstance.

At the end of it all, there is no medication for the pain. There is no way we can save ourselves from the trouble all we can do is hope to survive. We need to realize that rejection isnt about ourselves but about everything around us. People may be able to break us but WE can put ourselves back together! Dont let others hurt you and make you feel small because you are amazing in every single way.

The good thing with pain is that it always ends up going away!