Love 2 for 1

Hello Cavenders! Yes its been a long time since i last threw some pseudo-wisdom into the world and i apologize from the bottom of my heart. Nonetheless, i have some very interesting things to say this week, so here we go...

I've recently spoken to a long time girlfriend of mine and she told me the following: she loves two men. I am one of the people who believed that you could only ever love one person at a time. Notice i used the past tense; what my friend said made me think...

She has a boyfriend she loves very much- someone who makes her feel safe and secure and they have been together for a really long time and they are happy. Yet at the same time, she met someone at a function and they talk and get along very well. There is nothing physical going on but he makes her feel alive, vibrant and insanely good about herself. At first, she told me, she tried to fight it because she felt it was wrong, because of what society tells us about monogamy etc. Yet there came a point when she could no longer pretend that there wasnt something between them. She has not gotten physical with this man but they talk a lot and he compliments her constantly.

Many of you will be screaming "cheater" right now but i dont think its that easy. When you have been seeing someone for over four years, the "zazazoo" is gone. It gets replaced by the deep feeling of love and appreciation for one another. Nonetheless, that excitement of the first few months is gone- its all natural. If you find someone who gives you that fire back, without it getting physical between you two, it can only benefit you and in turn your relationship. Im not trying to give you free passes for cheating on your other half but maybe the idea of monogamy is outdated. Maybe we need more than one love in our lives in order to feel complete.

My friend has not told her boyfriend about the other man, because, in her words, "there is nothing to tell". She wont let it get physical and what is happening between them is so platonic that, by telling her man, she fears she'll damage his ego and spark fights. She loves him dearly and deeply and when this whole story stared she was devestated. She felt like she was being the worst girlfriend in the world. After weeks of forcing herself to forget man nr. 2 she was hit with the realisation that this was, for the time being, impossible. So she accepted it and made do with the situation by adjusting to it. By accepting the situation and adapting to it, she could deal with her feelings and move on with her life.

When it comes to love and relationships, you need to go with what feels best for you. If it feels right to love two men, without hurting yourself or the other person in your relationship, go for it. Love is supposed to be comfortable- no matter how many people it may involve.

Beauty Queen?

I've recently begun reading a abulous book from the much dreaded and avoided "Self Help" Aisle in Barnes and Noble: "Beautiful You" by Rosie Molinary. Its a book that allows you, in 365 steps, to aquire more self-esteem and to love you the way you are. Yes dear readers, i have issues too. :)

In any case, she proposed the following task: Write down what you feel makes a perosn beautiful. I did. You want to know what i wrote? "Confidence, a great smile, laughter, grace, warmth, " Notice how all of these things have nothing to do with the way that someone looks? With the way that their body lookr or the way that they dress? This got me thinking about something else: If we percieve beauty to be about interior things, then why do we bother to turn ourselves into the person we feel we should LOOK like?

I was into a guy once that loved it when i straightened my naturally curly and unruly hair. Previosuly, i used to straighten my hair on occasion i.e. a night out on the town or Christmas, but now i found myself doing it ALL THE TIME when i felt like i had the chance of bumping into him. Im a high-heels girl- i feel like im short so i try to wear my "stilts" as often as i can. When my crush said that he loved me in Ballerinas- guess what i did? Yep, i wore ballerinas 24/7. I turned myself from the person i was into the person i hoped he'd find attractive. I changed the wasy i look to please a man. I still cringe while writing this.

A few weeks passed and i discovered that the guy wasnt who i hoped he would be. SO guess what i did? I took great care at making my hair as curly as possible and i wore the HIGHEST shoes i owned everytime i would risk being around him. It was my way of demonstrating that i no longer cared about him. This is behaviour that is apparently very common behaviour amongst us humans- males and females alike.

HOWEVER, when we define beauty we define it with interor values such as confidence, charm or great sense of humour. Why is it that we leave aside all that we feel beautiful only to occupy ourselves with exterrior things such as hair and outfits? At the end of the day, all we really want to do is please the person we are into. Thus, we throw overboard all our instincts and better judgements and we turn ourselves into the person we hope they find attractive. Heres the thing: chances are high that they too find people beautiful because they are graceful and confident and less because we wear all stars and slacks.

No matter who the person may be, if they dont find you beautiful because of who you are, they suck. So stop trying to please the other person by turning yourself into someone you're not and embrace what YOU feel is beautiful. Because thats what you are: Beautiful. In every single way possible!!

Gut Feeling

Merry Christmas Cavenders!

I am a total thinker- i over obsess about every little situation, about everything going on in my life constantly. I analyze, i weigh out pros and cons and i try to figure out what is the best decision. Yet recently ive come to realize that maybe, in matters of the heart, one should trust their gut.

I went to meeting a few months ago with someone i know from a former job, and before the meeting, my gut was twisted in a knot. I had hot and cold flashes, my nerves were up in the air and i didnt know why. I had weighed out the pros and cons of this meeting, i figured out what it would mean to me if i went and what it would mean if i didnt. Yet my gut was acting up.

Ultimately, my gut was right. The lunch, even though it was fun, it was tough. It was very strange to me- i was not easy around this person. I felt cooped up, twisted, wound up so tight i couldnt breathe. Yes, the conversation was fun and it was a short-lived 30minutes but on the inside, i felt watched, uneasy and completely lost. Was my gut telling me this all along?

Gut feeling is a small part of what nature left us - our instinct. Gut feeling prepares us for the worst, gets us to bolt when it gets dangerous and tells us to take a leap of faith when the time is right. So how come we so rarely trust it?

We have grown up to think everything over, to ponder pros and cons of everything we do - did we loose our ability to trust our instincts? When we think everything over a hundred times, does it really get better? Do our decisions come easier when we thought out every angle? Can we ever figure out every angle? Life is so compliacted and we complicate it even more by bringing too much thinking into it. When we think everything over all the time we loose the sense of what is real and what is not. We loose grasp of the real situation and we block out our instincts only to replace them with toughts.

The problem with our thoughts is that they are always connected to the past, to what we have lived and to where we stand in our lives. Our thoughts and ideas are not realistic but flawed by our perceptions of what is around us. Our instincts, however, are pure, they are raw, they are unpretentious. They dont care who we are or what we do in our lives- they react to our surroundings.

Comming back to my meeting- looking back, maybe it was good that i went. I realized that maybe this person doesnt belong in my life. On the other hand, did i really need this tightness in my chest ? Did i need to feel the way i felt? Should i have listened to my gut? Should i have followed my instincts and run the other way?

Maybe its time that we trust our guts, that we trust what mother nature gave us to protect us. Trust your gut!

Fight it

There are moments in our lives where everything just goes wrong. Nothing seems to work out, everything has turned against you. Once we have overcome the scare of these events, any situation resembling them automatically makes our plams sweat and our heart race. Do you remember those moments in your life where you were so scared of falling that you barely made it out of your front door?

In life, we are confronted by various obstacles- each and every day. Its starts with school, when you're not cool enough to sit with the "in" crowd at Lunch, it continues on to where you meet the girl of your dreams but she couldnt care less about who you are and it finishes where you loose your job and your mortage and end up on the street. Life can be a bitch. Sad, true fact.

What makes matters even worse are those people around us who seemingly never fall. That coworker who laughs off even the biggest mistake and never once doubts himself. That fit guy who never think twice about the girl who blew him off in a bar. The suave business woman opposite you who seems unbothered by snide remarks by her male counterparts. There are people out there who seemingly take any downfall and turn it into something positive. They are unfazed by life and just move on. I envy these people. I truly do. It takes me days to get over a stupid comment made by some sales girl.

What do these people have that we dont? WHat is it that gives them to power to pick up where they left off, without doubt or fear? Its a little thing we call confidence and self-esteem. These people are usually quite sure of themselves and their capabilities. Dont get this wrong, they arent arrogant and full of themselves, they simply know what they have achieved in their lives and how hard they have worked to get there. This confidence comes from the fact that they have had to work hard to be who they are and they arent willing to let people who have no relationship to or with them ruin what they've built.

The strengh to face defeat and come out fierce as eveer comes from the fight itself. Have you ever had to fight in order to get somewhere or to obtain something that you really desired? Remember how strong and invincible that made you feel? Its precicely that feeling which these strong individuals live off that makes them so strong. They know what they have had to fight for.

Next time something gets you down or someone tries to play you, remember that you have fought to be who you are. You have achieved great things in your life and you deserve respect for that. You are fabulous. You are a fighter.

So fight them!!!

Too much to ask?

Having recently visited a girlfriend of mine sick with a broken spirit i've come to wonder about the rules of "getting involved" What should you do when getting involved with someone and what shouldnt you do? What is too much to ask?

My friend was interning at a company for 3 Months where she came acorss a man whom she first found to be totally bland yet after 1 month she felt weirdly drawn to him. They started talking, sending an average of 50 e-mails a day and having long phone conversations. He complemented her, she gave him her best smile. They never actually went on a date outside of their office life, but things apparently steamed up. Then she got a fixed job at another company and things magically changed. Gone were the flirty e-mails, she almost had to badger him into keeping contact. Until one day, she had anough of the humiliation and went cold turkey. No e-mails, no SMS, no calls. Nothing. She played dead. Shes still at it as we speak. This behaviour has forced me to ask myself the question: what are rules in situations like this? Is it ok to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days?

When my friend asked her little boy toy why he had such trouble keeping in touch with her, his reply made me gasp with shock "When im at work i tend to forget". Yes, i understand that we all have busy lives and that our job takes up most of our 24hrs. Yet how realistic is it to say "i forget you" to someone who, when sitting 3 desks away from you, got an average of 50 e-mails a day from you? Does it really take that much effort to write a simple "Hey whats up?" e-mail?

Our dear friend then went on to saying "i dont want to bother you 24/7" which is an admirable comment. HOWEVER, going stone cold and dead silent kinda sends the wrong message. Its charming that you dont want to bother the girl, but when you go from saying things like "You're so charming, you'0re more than i had ever expected" to zero communication, the other person will inevitably be asking questions.

When my friend, as a final attempt, told the man that she wanted to see results or shed be gone his reply was that he would give it his best but that he really wasnt good at keeping in touch but that hed try. After that, it took him 5 days to send a stupid little sms that was quite clearly not meant sincerely. It was then and there that my friend went into cold turkey mode.

Was his behaviour ok? From my point of view, and out of loyalty to my friend, id say no. No matter what happens in your life, no matter how busy you are, you should always remember to be respectful to the people around you. By saying charming things to someone, by offering them gifts or smiles, you nourture hopes in the other person. If these then turn out to be false, you should be big enough to tell the other person. Dont just play dead. Its unfair, childish and definately unneccessary!!! If you like the other person you should make the effort- even if it demands planning and organisation. Dont give the other person the feelings that their worthless!!

My friend had been humiliated by this man, humiliated because he made her feel stupid and worthless. Noone has the right to make another person feel this way- no matter how rich or powerful you are. By his awful conduct, this man has not only lost my respect but also one of the most amazing women on this planet.

Respect and Dedication are never too much to ask!

Soundcheck

Recently, i was watching an MTV Masters on the Greatest Things Done For Love. Part of these great love declarations was Chris M.s promise to his wife Gwyneth P. that he would never again play a song he had dedicated to his ex girlfriend. A few days after this, a friend of mine told me that she couldnt listen to a particular song any longer, even though she loved it, because she had dedicated it to a man who had turned out to be not what she needed. This brings me to the question- why do we dedicate songs to people? Why do we attach songs to a person only to find that once we no longer care for this person we cannot listen to the song anymore, no matter how much we cherished it?!

Music is a huge part of our culture- not only since MTV, VH1 and the likes have taken over out TVs. Music is entertainment, art and life. Have you ever counted how many people in the bus, tram or train have their earplugs in from start to finish? How many of us turn on the radio / Ipod first thing in the morning to get a good start to the day?

Music makes up a huge part of our lives so its not surprising that we attach it to our surroundings. The classic wedding song for many is Pachelbels Canon- and as soon as we hear the first notes we automatically think of weddings, of walking down the isle, of a life together. We have become like Pavlovs Dogs- conditioned to a specific response at a certain sound.

What are reasons that we react a specific way to a certain song? When Greys Anatomy introduced its second season with the song "How to save a life" by The Fray it hit the Charts within a few hours. The song became so connected with the story between Derek and Meredith that people all over the world, still today, connect this song to love.
When Princess Diana died and Elton John sang "Candle in the Wind" at her funeral, this sond became automatically conected to this beautiful yet lonely woman.
In the movie "Pretty Woman" when Julia R. leaves Richard G. in his hotel room saying she cant be with him and Roxettes "It must have been love" comes on, people cried. They still do upon hearing the song.

We use music to attach a certain mood to people in our lives- we want to remember the moments we shared by using a song dear to us. However, feelings and emotions change and we are left with a song that makes us cringe each time we hear it. Its only once we have put enough distance between us and the person the song reminds us of, can we enjoy the music and let go of the past.

At the end of it all, we use music to express emotions- sadness, joy, excitement. We use music to remember the good times, the bad times and the worst of times. Every song, no matter how hard it makes us cringe, will be part of your personal soundtrack.

Its the sound of your life!

Cheeet-ah!!

Its another week full of questiosn to be answered Cavenders!

After having spent a weekend in the midst of all my fabulous friends, i was struck by one particular question: When are you cheating?

Relationships are supposedly built on trust and committment- yet what is the line that distinguishes harmless flirting from full on cheating?

A friend of mine had recently begun writing e-mails with a guy she met at a bar- flirty e-mails, filled with whit and humour. She didnt mention to Mr. Vodka-Martini that she was, in fact, in a relationship. Does the mere fact that you dont mention your partner right away constitute cheating? To be honest, i am sick and tired of people saying "i have a boyfriend/ girlfriend" when all you wanted to do is ask for a light. However, when engaging in cute e-mails with a stranger, should you mention your other half? If its going to stay with the whitty banter is there any reason to mention them at all?

The situation gets more complicated with my other friend who has recently met someone who has "relit his spark" after he had been in a stable relationship for some time. He didnt stick to the smart and funny e-mails- he got involved in some kissing action. This is where you part the sea: is kissing already cheating? When involved in a relationship for some time, inevitably, the spark can go to low-flame. A recent piece in the wonderful ELLE Magazine actually asked the question whether we were to quick to let go of our relationships? When the spark we once felt when looking at our partner only gives the odd "pop" is it time to go your own way or should you find a way to relight the flame you once had?

My friend actually realized, after the kissing inccident, that the woman no longer interested him- it had been all about the chase. Those wild feelings when you ask yourself whether he will call and when a wink or a smile from the other person can make or break your day. He had found the excitement of those first few dates exhilerating- and exhileration missing from a couple who had been once around the block. New people are exciting and can make your "old" flame look tranished. However, once you've conquered what you've coveteing, you realize that- having it makes it boring. Its lost that special "i need to fight for it" aura.

We constantly crave what we dont have, only to realize that having it means nothing. It is the chase, the anxiety of the unknown, the thrill of the work you have to put into it- yet once all that is over, its like all the other things you already have. It looses its excitement.

The question remaining is: should you tell the other person?