Cheeet-ah!!

Its another week full of questiosn to be answered Cavenders!

After having spent a weekend in the midst of all my fabulous friends, i was struck by one particular question: When are you cheating?

Relationships are supposedly built on trust and committment- yet what is the line that distinguishes harmless flirting from full on cheating?

A friend of mine had recently begun writing e-mails with a guy she met at a bar- flirty e-mails, filled with whit and humour. She didnt mention to Mr. Vodka-Martini that she was, in fact, in a relationship. Does the mere fact that you dont mention your partner right away constitute cheating? To be honest, i am sick and tired of people saying "i have a boyfriend/ girlfriend" when all you wanted to do is ask for a light. However, when engaging in cute e-mails with a stranger, should you mention your other half? If its going to stay with the whitty banter is there any reason to mention them at all?

The situation gets more complicated with my other friend who has recently met someone who has "relit his spark" after he had been in a stable relationship for some time. He didnt stick to the smart and funny e-mails- he got involved in some kissing action. This is where you part the sea: is kissing already cheating? When involved in a relationship for some time, inevitably, the spark can go to low-flame. A recent piece in the wonderful ELLE Magazine actually asked the question whether we were to quick to let go of our relationships? When the spark we once felt when looking at our partner only gives the odd "pop" is it time to go your own way or should you find a way to relight the flame you once had?

My friend actually realized, after the kissing inccident, that the woman no longer interested him- it had been all about the chase. Those wild feelings when you ask yourself whether he will call and when a wink or a smile from the other person can make or break your day. He had found the excitement of those first few dates exhilerating- and exhileration missing from a couple who had been once around the block. New people are exciting and can make your "old" flame look tranished. However, once you've conquered what you've coveteing, you realize that- having it makes it boring. Its lost that special "i need to fight for it" aura.

We constantly crave what we dont have, only to realize that having it means nothing. It is the chase, the anxiety of the unknown, the thrill of the work you have to put into it- yet once all that is over, its like all the other things you already have. It looses its excitement.

The question remaining is: should you tell the other person?

What if?

Why cavenders, the days fly by and we've officially said good bye to summer! Was it everything you had hoped for? Did you fulfill your dreams and aspirations?

This week i've been wondering about finding "Mr Right". Every person on this planet is searching for the one person who will complete them and will pass over many who are deemed not "The One". I've come to wonder- is there such a thing as "Mr. Right" or is he (she) simply a figment of our imagination which makes us bypass the people we really should be dating. "He so isnt right for you"- i've often heard people say that to friends. What is RIGHT?

There are millions of people walking this earth and each single one is looking for another, single person. Talk about unrealistic. How can we expect to find a single person on this planet to complete us? What if its all a scham? What if there is not a single person out there, but several. What if there is no "Mr. Right" but a "Mr. Right Now" ?

Ive met many people who were smitten with someone but passed by the opportunity to get to know them because they werent "right". What if that was the biggest mistake they could have made? We search for perfection while forgetting that we're imperfect ourselves. We bypass people because we are looking for someone who is but a figment of our imagination. We are so set on the idea of the perfect partner that we miss the amazing people we meet on our way.

Ive been a victim of the "Mr. Right" search: i was looking for someone who was perfect: intelligent, well built, funny, good looking, multi-lingual etc etc that i completely missed the amazing person right under my nose. Yet when you let go of your expectations, you will find amazing people right by your side.

What if you've missed the person who will make you happier than Mr. Right could ever have?

Sugar and Spice

Good Morning Cavenders,
Another Monday, another start to a great week!
I was recently involved in a discussion with a friend of mine, a discussion during which my friend questioned my motives on a certain subject. She said freely and openly what she had to say, even if some of the things werent positive. Nonetheless, it was what was on her mind and i was open to hear it. At the end of the evening, when we had settled what we had to discuss, she said to me "I hope you're not mad at me for saying what i did." and that struck me. In a friendship, arent you supposed to say what is on your mind? Isnt a friendship exactly about being honest to one another and not having to say "im sorry" after?
In a friendship, should you be brutally honest or should you sugarcoat your feelings?
During this discussion with my dear friend, she did say things that hit me hard, but those were her feelings, those were her inquiries and she had the right to ask what she asked. Surely, i thought "No way" on some accounts but what we do and what others see can be two different pairs of shoes! A true, good friendhsip should always be based upon honesty- and honesty sometimes stings. Things which are perfectly clear to you can be obscure and incomprehensible to those around you. So your friends are really the only way to see yourself clearly- whether we like it or not.
I like to think of myself as someone whom you can't define. You cant fit me into a box or category and im proud of that. However, that ingenouity comes at a cost. People will always have an oppinion about you- as they cant define who you are they try to "figure you out" because you scare them and make them uneasy. Everyone is one way or another, so why cant you be? is the question often asked. I dont care much for their thoughs, as long as they are people i a, dont like or b, dont even know. Thats where my friends come in handy. They know me, they can define me, and they will let me know when my behaviour has gone from ingenue to insane. Thats why i love them. They are honest with me, they are open, they tell me exactly how it is.
Its rare that one finds people who arent around to please you but are around for whom you are. Friendships should always be about honesty and openness. You should never have to sugarcoat your feelings with your friends because they know you and they will not take it the wrong way if you tell them when something is wrong.

If they do, they're not our true friend. Its that simple!