Merry Christmas Cavenders!
I am a total thinker- i over obsess about every little situation, about everything going on in my life constantly. I analyze, i weigh out pros and cons and i try to figure out what is the best decision. Yet recently ive come to realize that maybe, in matters of the heart, one should trust their gut.
I went to meeting a few months ago with someone i know from a former job, and before the meeting, my gut was twisted in a knot. I had hot and cold flashes, my nerves were up in the air and i didnt know why. I had weighed out the pros and cons of this meeting, i figured out what it would mean to me if i went and what it would mean if i didnt. Yet my gut was acting up.
Ultimately, my gut was right. The lunch, even though it was fun, it was tough. It was very strange to me- i was not easy around this person. I felt cooped up, twisted, wound up so tight i couldnt breathe. Yes, the conversation was fun and it was a short-lived 30minutes but on the inside, i felt watched, uneasy and completely lost. Was my gut telling me this all along?
Gut feeling is a small part of what nature left us - our instinct. Gut feeling prepares us for the worst, gets us to bolt when it gets dangerous and tells us to take a leap of faith when the time is right. So how come we so rarely trust it?
We have grown up to think everything over, to ponder pros and cons of everything we do - did we loose our ability to trust our instincts? When we think everything over a hundred times, does it really get better? Do our decisions come easier when we thought out every angle? Can we ever figure out every angle? Life is so compliacted and we complicate it even more by bringing too much thinking into it. When we think everything over all the time we loose the sense of what is real and what is not. We loose grasp of the real situation and we block out our instincts only to replace them with toughts.
The problem with our thoughts is that they are always connected to the past, to what we have lived and to where we stand in our lives. Our thoughts and ideas are not realistic but flawed by our perceptions of what is around us. Our instincts, however, are pure, they are raw, they are unpretentious. They dont care who we are or what we do in our lives- they react to our surroundings.
Comming back to my meeting- looking back, maybe it was good that i went. I realized that maybe this person doesnt belong in my life. On the other hand, did i really need this tightness in my chest ? Did i need to feel the way i felt? Should i have listened to my gut? Should i have followed my instincts and run the other way?
Maybe its time that we trust our guts, that we trust what mother nature gave us to protect us. Trust your gut!
Montag, 27. Dezember 2010
Dienstag, 23. November 2010
Fight it
There are moments in our lives where everything just goes wrong. Nothing seems to work out, everything has turned against you. Once we have overcome the scare of these events, any situation resembling them automatically makes our plams sweat and our heart race. Do you remember those moments in your life where you were so scared of falling that you barely made it out of your front door?
In life, we are confronted by various obstacles- each and every day. Its starts with school, when you're not cool enough to sit with the "in" crowd at Lunch, it continues on to where you meet the girl of your dreams but she couldnt care less about who you are and it finishes where you loose your job and your mortage and end up on the street. Life can be a bitch. Sad, true fact.
What makes matters even worse are those people around us who seemingly never fall. That coworker who laughs off even the biggest mistake and never once doubts himself. That fit guy who never think twice about the girl who blew him off in a bar. The suave business woman opposite you who seems unbothered by snide remarks by her male counterparts. There are people out there who seemingly take any downfall and turn it into something positive. They are unfazed by life and just move on. I envy these people. I truly do. It takes me days to get over a stupid comment made by some sales girl.
What do these people have that we dont? WHat is it that gives them to power to pick up where they left off, without doubt or fear? Its a little thing we call confidence and self-esteem. These people are usually quite sure of themselves and their capabilities. Dont get this wrong, they arent arrogant and full of themselves, they simply know what they have achieved in their lives and how hard they have worked to get there. This confidence comes from the fact that they have had to work hard to be who they are and they arent willing to let people who have no relationship to or with them ruin what they've built.
The strengh to face defeat and come out fierce as eveer comes from the fight itself. Have you ever had to fight in order to get somewhere or to obtain something that you really desired? Remember how strong and invincible that made you feel? Its precicely that feeling which these strong individuals live off that makes them so strong. They know what they have had to fight for.
Next time something gets you down or someone tries to play you, remember that you have fought to be who you are. You have achieved great things in your life and you deserve respect for that. You are fabulous. You are a fighter.
So fight them!!!
In life, we are confronted by various obstacles- each and every day. Its starts with school, when you're not cool enough to sit with the "in" crowd at Lunch, it continues on to where you meet the girl of your dreams but she couldnt care less about who you are and it finishes where you loose your job and your mortage and end up on the street. Life can be a bitch. Sad, true fact.
What makes matters even worse are those people around us who seemingly never fall. That coworker who laughs off even the biggest mistake and never once doubts himself. That fit guy who never think twice about the girl who blew him off in a bar. The suave business woman opposite you who seems unbothered by snide remarks by her male counterparts. There are people out there who seemingly take any downfall and turn it into something positive. They are unfazed by life and just move on. I envy these people. I truly do. It takes me days to get over a stupid comment made by some sales girl.
What do these people have that we dont? WHat is it that gives them to power to pick up where they left off, without doubt or fear? Its a little thing we call confidence and self-esteem. These people are usually quite sure of themselves and their capabilities. Dont get this wrong, they arent arrogant and full of themselves, they simply know what they have achieved in their lives and how hard they have worked to get there. This confidence comes from the fact that they have had to work hard to be who they are and they arent willing to let people who have no relationship to or with them ruin what they've built.
The strengh to face defeat and come out fierce as eveer comes from the fight itself. Have you ever had to fight in order to get somewhere or to obtain something that you really desired? Remember how strong and invincible that made you feel? Its precicely that feeling which these strong individuals live off that makes them so strong. They know what they have had to fight for.
Next time something gets you down or someone tries to play you, remember that you have fought to be who you are. You have achieved great things in your life and you deserve respect for that. You are fabulous. You are a fighter.
So fight them!!!
Mittwoch, 27. Oktober 2010
Too much to ask?
Having recently visited a girlfriend of mine sick with a broken spirit i've come to wonder about the rules of "getting involved" What should you do when getting involved with someone and what shouldnt you do? What is too much to ask?
My friend was interning at a company for 3 Months where she came acorss a man whom she first found to be totally bland yet after 1 month she felt weirdly drawn to him. They started talking, sending an average of 50 e-mails a day and having long phone conversations. He complemented her, she gave him her best smile. They never actually went on a date outside of their office life, but things apparently steamed up. Then she got a fixed job at another company and things magically changed. Gone were the flirty e-mails, she almost had to badger him into keeping contact. Until one day, she had anough of the humiliation and went cold turkey. No e-mails, no SMS, no calls. Nothing. She played dead. Shes still at it as we speak. This behaviour has forced me to ask myself the question: what are rules in situations like this? Is it ok to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days?
When my friend asked her little boy toy why he had such trouble keeping in touch with her, his reply made me gasp with shock "When im at work i tend to forget". Yes, i understand that we all have busy lives and that our job takes up most of our 24hrs. Yet how realistic is it to say "i forget you" to someone who, when sitting 3 desks away from you, got an average of 50 e-mails a day from you? Does it really take that much effort to write a simple "Hey whats up?" e-mail?
Our dear friend then went on to saying "i dont want to bother you 24/7" which is an admirable comment. HOWEVER, going stone cold and dead silent kinda sends the wrong message. Its charming that you dont want to bother the girl, but when you go from saying things like "You're so charming, you'0re more than i had ever expected" to zero communication, the other person will inevitably be asking questions.
When my friend, as a final attempt, told the man that she wanted to see results or shed be gone his reply was that he would give it his best but that he really wasnt good at keeping in touch but that hed try. After that, it took him 5 days to send a stupid little sms that was quite clearly not meant sincerely. It was then and there that my friend went into cold turkey mode.
Was his behaviour ok? From my point of view, and out of loyalty to my friend, id say no. No matter what happens in your life, no matter how busy you are, you should always remember to be respectful to the people around you. By saying charming things to someone, by offering them gifts or smiles, you nourture hopes in the other person. If these then turn out to be false, you should be big enough to tell the other person. Dont just play dead. Its unfair, childish and definately unneccessary!!! If you like the other person you should make the effort- even if it demands planning and organisation. Dont give the other person the feelings that their worthless!!
My friend had been humiliated by this man, humiliated because he made her feel stupid and worthless. Noone has the right to make another person feel this way- no matter how rich or powerful you are. By his awful conduct, this man has not only lost my respect but also one of the most amazing women on this planet.
Respect and Dedication are never too much to ask!
My friend was interning at a company for 3 Months where she came acorss a man whom she first found to be totally bland yet after 1 month she felt weirdly drawn to him. They started talking, sending an average of 50 e-mails a day and having long phone conversations. He complemented her, she gave him her best smile. They never actually went on a date outside of their office life, but things apparently steamed up. Then she got a fixed job at another company and things magically changed. Gone were the flirty e-mails, she almost had to badger him into keeping contact. Until one day, she had anough of the humiliation and went cold turkey. No e-mails, no SMS, no calls. Nothing. She played dead. Shes still at it as we speak. This behaviour has forced me to ask myself the question: what are rules in situations like this? Is it ok to go from 100% to 0% in a matter of days?
When my friend asked her little boy toy why he had such trouble keeping in touch with her, his reply made me gasp with shock "When im at work i tend to forget". Yes, i understand that we all have busy lives and that our job takes up most of our 24hrs. Yet how realistic is it to say "i forget you" to someone who, when sitting 3 desks away from you, got an average of 50 e-mails a day from you? Does it really take that much effort to write a simple "Hey whats up?" e-mail?
Our dear friend then went on to saying "i dont want to bother you 24/7" which is an admirable comment. HOWEVER, going stone cold and dead silent kinda sends the wrong message. Its charming that you dont want to bother the girl, but when you go from saying things like "You're so charming, you'0re more than i had ever expected" to zero communication, the other person will inevitably be asking questions.
When my friend, as a final attempt, told the man that she wanted to see results or shed be gone his reply was that he would give it his best but that he really wasnt good at keeping in touch but that hed try. After that, it took him 5 days to send a stupid little sms that was quite clearly not meant sincerely. It was then and there that my friend went into cold turkey mode.
Was his behaviour ok? From my point of view, and out of loyalty to my friend, id say no. No matter what happens in your life, no matter how busy you are, you should always remember to be respectful to the people around you. By saying charming things to someone, by offering them gifts or smiles, you nourture hopes in the other person. If these then turn out to be false, you should be big enough to tell the other person. Dont just play dead. Its unfair, childish and definately unneccessary!!! If you like the other person you should make the effort- even if it demands planning and organisation. Dont give the other person the feelings that their worthless!!
My friend had been humiliated by this man, humiliated because he made her feel stupid and worthless. Noone has the right to make another person feel this way- no matter how rich or powerful you are. By his awful conduct, this man has not only lost my respect but also one of the most amazing women on this planet.
Respect and Dedication are never too much to ask!
Mittwoch, 20. Oktober 2010
Soundcheck
Recently, i was watching an MTV Masters on the Greatest Things Done For Love. Part of these great love declarations was Chris M.s promise to his wife Gwyneth P. that he would never again play a song he had dedicated to his ex girlfriend. A few days after this, a friend of mine told me that she couldnt listen to a particular song any longer, even though she loved it, because she had dedicated it to a man who had turned out to be not what she needed. This brings me to the question- why do we dedicate songs to people? Why do we attach songs to a person only to find that once we no longer care for this person we cannot listen to the song anymore, no matter how much we cherished it?!
Music is a huge part of our culture- not only since MTV, VH1 and the likes have taken over out TVs. Music is entertainment, art and life. Have you ever counted how many people in the bus, tram or train have their earplugs in from start to finish? How many of us turn on the radio / Ipod first thing in the morning to get a good start to the day?
Music makes up a huge part of our lives so its not surprising that we attach it to our surroundings. The classic wedding song for many is Pachelbels Canon- and as soon as we hear the first notes we automatically think of weddings, of walking down the isle, of a life together. We have become like Pavlovs Dogs- conditioned to a specific response at a certain sound.
What are reasons that we react a specific way to a certain song? When Greys Anatomy introduced its second season with the song "How to save a life" by The Fray it hit the Charts within a few hours. The song became so connected with the story between Derek and Meredith that people all over the world, still today, connect this song to love.
When Princess Diana died and Elton John sang "Candle in the Wind" at her funeral, this sond became automatically conected to this beautiful yet lonely woman.
In the movie "Pretty Woman" when Julia R. leaves Richard G. in his hotel room saying she cant be with him and Roxettes "It must have been love" comes on, people cried. They still do upon hearing the song.
We use music to attach a certain mood to people in our lives- we want to remember the moments we shared by using a song dear to us. However, feelings and emotions change and we are left with a song that makes us cringe each time we hear it. Its only once we have put enough distance between us and the person the song reminds us of, can we enjoy the music and let go of the past.
At the end of it all, we use music to express emotions- sadness, joy, excitement. We use music to remember the good times, the bad times and the worst of times. Every song, no matter how hard it makes us cringe, will be part of your personal soundtrack.
Its the sound of your life!
Music is a huge part of our culture- not only since MTV, VH1 and the likes have taken over out TVs. Music is entertainment, art and life. Have you ever counted how many people in the bus, tram or train have their earplugs in from start to finish? How many of us turn on the radio / Ipod first thing in the morning to get a good start to the day?
Music makes up a huge part of our lives so its not surprising that we attach it to our surroundings. The classic wedding song for many is Pachelbels Canon- and as soon as we hear the first notes we automatically think of weddings, of walking down the isle, of a life together. We have become like Pavlovs Dogs- conditioned to a specific response at a certain sound.
What are reasons that we react a specific way to a certain song? When Greys Anatomy introduced its second season with the song "How to save a life" by The Fray it hit the Charts within a few hours. The song became so connected with the story between Derek and Meredith that people all over the world, still today, connect this song to love.
When Princess Diana died and Elton John sang "Candle in the Wind" at her funeral, this sond became automatically conected to this beautiful yet lonely woman.
In the movie "Pretty Woman" when Julia R. leaves Richard G. in his hotel room saying she cant be with him and Roxettes "It must have been love" comes on, people cried. They still do upon hearing the song.
We use music to attach a certain mood to people in our lives- we want to remember the moments we shared by using a song dear to us. However, feelings and emotions change and we are left with a song that makes us cringe each time we hear it. Its only once we have put enough distance between us and the person the song reminds us of, can we enjoy the music and let go of the past.
At the end of it all, we use music to express emotions- sadness, joy, excitement. We use music to remember the good times, the bad times and the worst of times. Every song, no matter how hard it makes us cringe, will be part of your personal soundtrack.
Its the sound of your life!
Dienstag, 21. September 2010
Cheeet-ah!!
Its another week full of questiosn to be answered Cavenders!
After having spent a weekend in the midst of all my fabulous friends, i was struck by one particular question: When are you cheating?
Relationships are supposedly built on trust and committment- yet what is the line that distinguishes harmless flirting from full on cheating?
A friend of mine had recently begun writing e-mails with a guy she met at a bar- flirty e-mails, filled with whit and humour. She didnt mention to Mr. Vodka-Martini that she was, in fact, in a relationship. Does the mere fact that you dont mention your partner right away constitute cheating? To be honest, i am sick and tired of people saying "i have a boyfriend/ girlfriend" when all you wanted to do is ask for a light. However, when engaging in cute e-mails with a stranger, should you mention your other half? If its going to stay with the whitty banter is there any reason to mention them at all?
The situation gets more complicated with my other friend who has recently met someone who has "relit his spark" after he had been in a stable relationship for some time. He didnt stick to the smart and funny e-mails- he got involved in some kissing action. This is where you part the sea: is kissing already cheating? When involved in a relationship for some time, inevitably, the spark can go to low-flame. A recent piece in the wonderful ELLE Magazine actually asked the question whether we were to quick to let go of our relationships? When the spark we once felt when looking at our partner only gives the odd "pop" is it time to go your own way or should you find a way to relight the flame you once had?
My friend actually realized, after the kissing inccident, that the woman no longer interested him- it had been all about the chase. Those wild feelings when you ask yourself whether he will call and when a wink or a smile from the other person can make or break your day. He had found the excitement of those first few dates exhilerating- and exhileration missing from a couple who had been once around the block. New people are exciting and can make your "old" flame look tranished. However, once you've conquered what you've coveteing, you realize that- having it makes it boring. Its lost that special "i need to fight for it" aura.
We constantly crave what we dont have, only to realize that having it means nothing. It is the chase, the anxiety of the unknown, the thrill of the work you have to put into it- yet once all that is over, its like all the other things you already have. It looses its excitement.
The question remaining is: should you tell the other person?
Dienstag, 14. September 2010
What if?
Why cavenders, the days fly by and we've officially said good bye to summer! Was it everything you had hoped for? Did you fulfill your dreams and aspirations?
This week i've been wondering about finding "Mr Right". Every person on this planet is searching for the one person who will complete them and will pass over many who are deemed not "The One". I've come to wonder- is there such a thing as "Mr. Right" or is he (she) simply a figment of our imagination which makes us bypass the people we really should be dating. "He so isnt right for you"- i've often heard people say that to friends. What is RIGHT?
There are millions of people walking this earth and each single one is looking for another, single person. Talk about unrealistic. How can we expect to find a single person on this planet to complete us? What if its all a scham? What if there is not a single person out there, but several. What if there is no "Mr. Right" but a "Mr. Right Now" ?
Ive met many people who were smitten with someone but passed by the opportunity to get to know them because they werent "right". What if that was the biggest mistake they could have made? We search for perfection while forgetting that we're imperfect ourselves. We bypass people because we are looking for someone who is but a figment of our imagination. We are so set on the idea of the perfect partner that we miss the amazing people we meet on our way.
Ive been a victim of the "Mr. Right" search: i was looking for someone who was perfect: intelligent, well built, funny, good looking, multi-lingual etc etc that i completely missed the amazing person right under my nose. Yet when you let go of your expectations, you will find amazing people right by your side.
What if you've missed the person who will make you happier than Mr. Right could ever have?
This week i've been wondering about finding "Mr Right". Every person on this planet is searching for the one person who will complete them and will pass over many who are deemed not "The One". I've come to wonder- is there such a thing as "Mr. Right" or is he (she) simply a figment of our imagination which makes us bypass the people we really should be dating. "He so isnt right for you"- i've often heard people say that to friends. What is RIGHT?
There are millions of people walking this earth and each single one is looking for another, single person. Talk about unrealistic. How can we expect to find a single person on this planet to complete us? What if its all a scham? What if there is not a single person out there, but several. What if there is no "Mr. Right" but a "Mr. Right Now" ?
Ive met many people who were smitten with someone but passed by the opportunity to get to know them because they werent "right". What if that was the biggest mistake they could have made? We search for perfection while forgetting that we're imperfect ourselves. We bypass people because we are looking for someone who is but a figment of our imagination. We are so set on the idea of the perfect partner that we miss the amazing people we meet on our way.
Ive been a victim of the "Mr. Right" search: i was looking for someone who was perfect: intelligent, well built, funny, good looking, multi-lingual etc etc that i completely missed the amazing person right under my nose. Yet when you let go of your expectations, you will find amazing people right by your side.
What if you've missed the person who will make you happier than Mr. Right could ever have?
Montag, 6. September 2010
Sugar and Spice
Good Morning Cavenders,
Another Monday, another start to a great week!
I was recently involved in a discussion with a friend of mine, a discussion during which my friend questioned my motives on a certain subject. She said freely and openly what she had to say, even if some of the things werent positive. Nonetheless, it was what was on her mind and i was open to hear it. At the end of the evening, when we had settled what we had to discuss, she said to me "I hope you're not mad at me for saying what i did." and that struck me. In a friendship, arent you supposed to say what is on your mind? Isnt a friendship exactly about being honest to one another and not having to say "im sorry" after?
In a friendship, should you be brutally honest or should you sugarcoat your feelings?
During this discussion with my dear friend, she did say things that hit me hard, but those were her feelings, those were her inquiries and she had the right to ask what she asked. Surely, i thought "No way" on some accounts but what we do and what others see can be two different pairs of shoes! A true, good friendhsip should always be based upon honesty- and honesty sometimes stings. Things which are perfectly clear to you can be obscure and incomprehensible to those around you. So your friends are really the only way to see yourself clearly- whether we like it or not.
I like to think of myself as someone whom you can't define. You cant fit me into a box or category and im proud of that. However, that ingenouity comes at a cost. People will always have an oppinion about you- as they cant define who you are they try to "figure you out" because you scare them and make them uneasy. Everyone is one way or another, so why cant you be? is the question often asked. I dont care much for their thoughs, as long as they are people i a, dont like or b, dont even know. Thats where my friends come in handy. They know me, they can define me, and they will let me know when my behaviour has gone from ingenue to insane. Thats why i love them. They are honest with me, they are open, they tell me exactly how it is.
Its rare that one finds people who arent around to please you but are around for whom you are. Friendships should always be about honesty and openness. You should never have to sugarcoat your feelings with your friends because they know you and they will not take it the wrong way if you tell them when something is wrong.
If they do, they're not our true friend. Its that simple!
Another Monday, another start to a great week!
I was recently involved in a discussion with a friend of mine, a discussion during which my friend questioned my motives on a certain subject. She said freely and openly what she had to say, even if some of the things werent positive. Nonetheless, it was what was on her mind and i was open to hear it. At the end of the evening, when we had settled what we had to discuss, she said to me "I hope you're not mad at me for saying what i did." and that struck me. In a friendship, arent you supposed to say what is on your mind? Isnt a friendship exactly about being honest to one another and not having to say "im sorry" after?
In a friendship, should you be brutally honest or should you sugarcoat your feelings?
During this discussion with my dear friend, she did say things that hit me hard, but those were her feelings, those were her inquiries and she had the right to ask what she asked. Surely, i thought "No way" on some accounts but what we do and what others see can be two different pairs of shoes! A true, good friendhsip should always be based upon honesty- and honesty sometimes stings. Things which are perfectly clear to you can be obscure and incomprehensible to those around you. So your friends are really the only way to see yourself clearly- whether we like it or not.
I like to think of myself as someone whom you can't define. You cant fit me into a box or category and im proud of that. However, that ingenouity comes at a cost. People will always have an oppinion about you- as they cant define who you are they try to "figure you out" because you scare them and make them uneasy. Everyone is one way or another, so why cant you be? is the question often asked. I dont care much for their thoughs, as long as they are people i a, dont like or b, dont even know. Thats where my friends come in handy. They know me, they can define me, and they will let me know when my behaviour has gone from ingenue to insane. Thats why i love them. They are honest with me, they are open, they tell me exactly how it is.
Its rare that one finds people who arent around to please you but are around for whom you are. Friendships should always be about honesty and openness. You should never have to sugarcoat your feelings with your friends because they know you and they will not take it the wrong way if you tell them when something is wrong.
If they do, they're not our true friend. Its that simple!
Abonnieren
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